The most common of all antagonisms arises from a man's taking a seat beside you on the train, a seat to which he is completely entitled. - Robert Benchley
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he's supposed to be doing at that moment. - Robert Benchley
Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people. - Robert Benchley
Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings. - Robert Benchley
Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing. - Robert Benchley
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who believe there are two kinds of people in the world and those who don't. - Robert Benchley
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing at the moment. - Robert Benchley
Tell us your phobias, and we will tell you what you are afraid of. - Robert Benchley
I can't bring myself to say, 'Well, I guess I'll be toddling along.' It isn't that I can't toddle. It's just that I can't guess I'll toddle. - Robert Benchley
Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin with, that it's compounding a felony. - Robert Benchley
An ardent supporter of the hometown team should go to a game prepared to take offense, no matter what happens. - Robert Benchley
Streets full of water; please advise. - Robert Benchley
The pencil sharpener is about as far as I have ever got in operating a complicated piece of machinery with any success. - Robert Benchley
Streets flooded. Please advise. - Robert Benchley
A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down. - Robert Benchley
As for me, except for an occasional heart attack, I feel as young as I ever did. - Robert Benchley
A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance of turning around three times before lying down. - Robert Benchley
The surest way to make a monkey of a man is to quote him. - Robert Benchley
A great many people have come up to me and asked how I manage to get so much work done and still keep looking so dissipated. - Robert Benchley
I can't seem to bring myself to say, "Well, I guess I'll be toddling along." It isn't that I can't toddle. It's that I can't guess I'll toddle. - Robert Benchley
The only cure for a real hangover is death. - Robert Benchley
It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous. - Robert Benchley